Ceci n'est pas une banane

George Washington University Law Professor Jonathan Turley, in a Los Angeles Times op-ed this week, gave us one of the most succinct and elegant analyses of the ongoing impeachment circus I've seen so far:

Frankly, when I look at this impeachment, I see a banana taped to a wall. As others coo over the power and evidence in the report, I continue to look around scratching my head, wondering why others don’t see the obvious gaps and conflicts. https://t.co/FnzdfdzpOk

— Jonathan Turley (@JonathanTurley) December 9, 2019

The Democrats have just voted to hand Trump horrific surveillance powers by reauthorizing the Patriot Act, and given him a $738bn war budget (including his Space Force), but he's still a Russian stooge and a threat to Democracy™, so let's impeach his ass anyway.

Christ, who the hell are they kidding?

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End of the Trail

Looks like the Liz "I Have A Plan" Warren campaign has really hit the skids since introducing her convoluted, Rube Goldberg-style fake-ass Medicare For All plan. Anybody who knows shinola from that other stuff knows what real Medicare For All looks like, and Warren's mess isn't it.

And needless to say, that whole claiming Native American ancestry thing hasn't exactly done wonders for her, either.

(after James Earle Fraser, The End Of The Trail, 1915)
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Jack Evans, Hometown Hero

Well, isn't this just all-time... Vincent Orange, DC Chamber of Commerce CEO and former disgraced DC City Council member, is throwing a bash for himself and a host of fellow grifters to congratulate themselves for bringing big-league baseball back to DC. Anybody who was anybody making this city miserable back in the '00s is going to be there, a turn-of-the-century rogues' gallery featuring none other than former Mayor Tony "The Rat" Williams himself. Honorees' schwag is to include replicas of the World Series trophy, and baseballs personally autographed by the owners of the Washington Nationals:



Excerpt from DC Chamber of Commerce press release via Fenit Nirappil, the Washington Post, on Twitter.




The truly spectacular irony here is that at a masturbatory shindig held by a guy who ended up resigning from the City Council after taking the Chamber gig, one of the honorees is our current champion multi-dipper, soon-to-be-bounced-out-of-his-seat and likely to end up with a C of C spot, Ward 2 Councilman Jack Evans — an irony so spectacular, in fact, that I'm really going to have to go lie down now.

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It's A Gas!

Every year the US House of Representatives' Oversight Committee votes to approve the city budget of Washington, DC. Imagine, for a moment, that you live in any other city in the US, and your city can't pass a budget or fund the implementation of new laws without the approval of a bunch of politicians hundreds of miles away who don't even live in your state. That's pretty much the situation we're looking at here in the District Of Columbia.

In every session for the past four years, Rep. Andy Harris (R-MD) has inserted a "rider" into the budget bill, preventing the District Of Columbia from passing laws to establish a framework and budget for implementing the legal sale of cannabis in Washington, DC. As of 2014, it's been legal to possess, grow and consume cannabis (on private property), but we're still trapped in a "gray market" or "sharing economy" in which actual cash sales are illegal — thanks to Rep. Harris.

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Next Year's Model

Here's a fun factoid for you: at least 70% of Earth's lithium reserves are in Bolivia — you know lithium, the stuff that's in the batteries in your phone, your laptop, your trendy electric car...?

Quite a happenstance for the US-backed fascist coupmongers there, huh?

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The Bible Returns to the Palace

Judging from the torrent of racist, religious fundamentalist howling coming from Bolivia's new imaginary president, it looks as if the US-backed fascist junta in Bolivia are using the same standard procedure as when the Spanish first showed up — steal the land, plunder the resources, slaughter the indigenous people and claim that god is on your side.

“The Bible returns to the Palace,” says the new self-declared president of Bolivia, Jeanine Áñez, in a shot against indigenous communities.pic.twitter.com/6uQxeIZXf4

— Waleed Shahid (@_waleedshahid) November 13, 2019

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Another Star For Their Flag

Fuck the CIA.
That's pretty much all I've got for you on this one.

Fuck the CIA, and fuck the USA.

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Another New DC Flag

Just last night here in Your Nation's Capital, an off-duty cop shot and wounded a couple of people over in Southeast. Cripes, it's as if they get even worse when they go off-duty; what's the damn deal with that?

.@DCPoliceDept officer (off duty???? sounds too familiar) just shot 2 people in SE...

REMEMBER #DQuanYoung

Watch each story after this one and watch the discrepancies and character assassination begin. @ChiefNewsham is a pathological liar. #StopMPD pic.twitter.com/YHjqQHP6MB

— BlackLivesMatter DC (@DMVBlackLives) November 9, 2019

I don't know about anybody else in this town, but I didn't like living in the "Murder Capital" the first time around.

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Olympic-Size FAIL

"Current incident estimates published by the company say that 9,120 US barrels (383,040 gallons) or 'approximately half the size of an Olympic-sized swimming pool' of crude oil were released into an impacted area of 2,500 square yards..."

—Sputnik International, 11.01.2019

We are responding to a crude oil release on the Keystone Pipeline System near our facilities near Edinburg, North Dakota. Please visit https://t.co/K2NppMFl0K for the latest updates. pic.twitter.com/l0M3i2oNzz

— TC Energy (@TCEnergy) October 31, 2019

This past week saw the latest — the latest — rupture and spill on TransCanada's Keystone Pipeline, this time to the tune of 383,000 gallons near the town of Edinburg, North Dakota... a big ol' Olympic-sized pool of Fail. Of course, it happened pretty much as predicted by the thousands of people who spoke up, protested, and tried to stop the pipeline from being built, and who are now designated as "terrorists" by the US Government.

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Raving Donkey no.5, New Text Meme Background Art

Hey now, kids — time for a fresh piece of background art for all those text memes featuring deranged inanities queefed out by our favorite media shitlibs and Democratic Party toadies. Here's another one of my "deranged donkeys", ideal for immortalizing those priceless golden turds from Twitter.

Above, you can see a "serving suggestion", with a recent Tweet shat out by none other than Rep. Ilhan Omar, member of every Liberal's favorite girl group, The Squad™.

The NRA just ran an attack ad claiming I was coming for everyone’s guns. They forgot to mention that they came for our democracy -- on behalf of Russia.

It’s time to take down this dangerous organization once and for all. https://t.co/95dphbpZ34

— Ilhan Omar (@IlhanMN) September 27, 2019

For the text, I recommend the Gotham family — a nice, elegant modern sans serif face, as used in Democratic Party print materials and other "branding".

You can download a blank template in two resolutions:

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The Democrats Have Evolved

So, just to recap all the pants-crapping over Hillary Clinton's smears of Democratic White House Wannabe Tulsi Gabbard:

- Hilldawg crawls out of woods to fling smears alleging sinister Russian influence over Tulsi Gabbard candidacy.
- Defenders rightly speak out against fresh round of baseless McCarthyist smears, citing Rep. Gabbard's service in Iraq: "How dare you smear this glorious hero who defended our nation?"

Got it? Good, then...

A Stinkin' Rebellion

So, aaaaanyway... the resolute doorknobs at Extinction Rebellion have staged a protest involving spray-painting your hand red, leaving a "bloody" handprint on a government building or corporate HQ, then looking for a cop to turn yourself in. Yeah, that's right.

This empty dipshittery follows an earlier debacle on the London Tube in which XR tried to shut down the subways, resulting in protesters being roughed up, beaten and thrown off the trains by irate commuters.

Now, I'm no tactical expert, but it seems that a subway-blocking action would go down best when you've reached the point where things are so bad that the streets are already full of fed-up, pissed-off people, and the general strike is already underway. Otherwise, you're just pissing off the working class.

For further reading: Extinction Rebellion Training, or How to Control Radical Resistance from the "Obstructive Left", at Wrong Kind Of Green, 05.06.2019

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Don't Ask Us How We Know...

In the midst of the Democrats' exercise in wasting time and hoping people don't notice what a bunch of crying-ass losers they are — uhh, that is, the impeachment inquiry, Washington Rep. Pramila Jayapal remarked that no inquiry was needed, and that "...People should stop looking for a secret smoking gun. Donald Trump is the smoking gun."

So, basically, the bunch who crashed and burned in 2016 and cratered with Russiagate are cooking up an impeachment "inquiry" that will probably drag out until the Conventions and telling us "really, trust us, we've got this, really this time. Don't ask us how we know, we just know, OK?"

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Home, Dank Home (Hands Off Homegrow, no.2)

Another for my gang at DCMJ, in support of retaining legal homegrow — one of the main provisions of Initiative 71 — in DC Mayor Bowser's Safe Cannabis Sales Act.

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The Teeth of Biden (Make Sure The Kids Hear Words)

The Biden Train kept a-rollin', all night long. As DNC frontrunner (cough) Sen. Joe Biden was defending the rank-ass "legacy" of his ex-boss and forgetting what he was saying halfway through his answers on the "debate" stage this week, the featured body part malfunction was the Senator's dentures, which slipped out on the air at the worst possible moment — which is to say, pretty much every moment, from all accounts.

The Eye of Biden

At Wednesday night's Democratic Party Climate Debate candidate Joe Biden, while outlining his climate policy and declaring his opposition to a fracking ban, suffered a subconjunctival hemorrhage in his left eye, causing it to fill up with blood. More than a few folks on Twitter considered this a sign, given the former VP's coziness with the fossil fuel industry.

The Eye of Biden the Terrible few could endure. pic.twitter.com/sTI6EM0Ld6

— Josh Jordan (@NumbersMuncher) September 5, 2019

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Climate Consensus (Bipartisanship no.3)

Just so we're clear, here: The GOP thinks climate change is a hoax, and the Democrats think Putin can shut off our power and freeze us to death by remote control.

Oh, yeah, and the Amazon rainforest — which provides 20% of Earth's oxygen — is still on fire.

Good; that's sorted, then.

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Golden Showers

So, just so we're straight, here: Trump is pissing all over everybody, but the Democrats' main complaint is that the GOP is behaving boorishly and insists on calling it piss – as they blow off impending global disaster and put the kibosh on a climate crisis debate.

Meanwhile, the Amazon rainforest is burning, and wildfires are raging in Africa.
The world is literally on fire and meanwhile, the Democratic Party insists "please, it's not piss, it's Chardonnay".

We aren't going to be able to "election" our way out of this. It's time to vote in the streets.

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Sorry About The Airport

If the fact that this and the previous "revolution" in Hong Kong have been backed by the National Endowment for Democracy and "Freedom House", and the fact that current "pro-democracy" leaders have been peeped meeting with US Consulate officials, and the fact that the mob in Hong Kong have been spotted waving US flags and singing "Star-Spangled Banner" – not to mention that most of the signs are in English – perhaps the fact that the Hong Kong "revolutionaries" are getting big fat shout-outs from Nikki Haley should convince you that the "revolution" in Hong Kong is a massive, bogus US-backed astroturf show.

The eyes of the world see that the people of Hong Kong are not terrorists. They are freedom fighters. To the people of Hong Kong, we are praying for your safety and believe that democracy is worth fighting for. We hear you and we stand with you! 🇺🇸#FreedomForHongKong https://t.co/Q8JUIPnLQy

— Nikki Haley (@NikkiHaley) August 14, 2019

This past Tuesday, a mob affiliated with the "revolution" in Hong Kong took over the international airport and brought the chaos, confronting police and causing spectacular disruptions in air travel. The real kicker was when the "revolutionaries" spent the next day greeting travelers at the airport wearing symbolic eye bandages in solidarity with an injured comrade, holding signs apologizing for the previous day's havoc. That's right, apologizing. Idiots, why the hell were they there, then? Isn't that the whole point of protest? Hell, that sure was the point of getting upwards of 100,000 people into the streets of Seattle and Washington DC to bring the city to a standstill and disrupt the meetings of the WTO, IMF and World Bank. Disuption was our jam that day, f'crissake; we sure as hell weren't apologizing for anything.

Christ, man, c'mon.

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When You Can't "Buy In"

It isn't just that Kamala Harris has the gall to straight-up rip off the name "Medicare For All" for her hack-ass healthcare proposal, nor is it just the convoluted, typically technocratic Rube Goldberg nature of her grand plan, nor the fact that it builds on the "success" of Obamacare – a healthcare policy written by the Heritage Foundation. It's the fact that Kamalacare involves the health insurance industry – the heart of the very problem we're trying to eliminate.

Tears In Rain (Time To Die)

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Fabrications on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched debunked "scoops" glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

All those duds will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.

Only thing Mueller “brought to life” today was what a dud Russiagate was & what a joke Democratic Party has become. Dems sound like unhinged lunatics calling clickbait/ stolen emails an “invasion” & spouting a series of debunked (some even by Mueller himself) conspiracy theories.

— Aaron Maté (@aaronjmate) July 24, 2019

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Important Fish To Fry

First of all, huge thanks to Kate Nocera at Buzzfeed News for tweeting that inspiring quote from the Speaker.

Pelosi to House Dems this morning: "You make me the target, but don’t make our blue dogs and our new dems the target in all of this because we have important fish to fry."

— Kate Nocera (@KateNocera) July 10, 2019

So, now, folks... considering her enabling of fascism, her support for an obscene war budget, her desperate opposition to Medicare For All, and her bitter refusal to hold a criminal Executive to account – a tendency going back to Bush v2.0 – I have to ask myself: who are the "important fish" that Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats are needing to fry?

Oh, yeah, that's right...

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Big Diaper Baby

A commentary on the current shitstorm surrounding so-called "journalist" and rotten little fascist punk Andy Ngo this week after a well-deserved milkshaking at a fascist rally in Portland this past week, as inspired by our friends at The Jewish Worker:

#AntifaTerrorists is trending because American conservatives are big diaper babies who say “come take it” when it comes to assault rifles but start filling those diapers up when Leftists tell fascists “come take it” when it comes to every other freedom and actually mean it.

— The Jewish Worker (@JewishWorker) June 30, 2019

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The Plant Belongs to the People!

Another whack at Mayor Bowser's flaw-riddled Safe Cannabis Sales Act, this time on the provisions limiting homegrow, inspired by this tweet from DC lawyer and activist Paul Zukerberg:

DC’s new Tax & Regulate bill would kill home grow - cut the heart out of Initiative 71 & force everyone to buy mass produced marijuana - no way @DCMJ2014 @aeidinger @maustermuhle @mitchryals @MayorBowser @flugennock @_cingraham #Save71 https://t.co/jCz1qzbcQA

— Paul Zukerberg (@DCBrainLawyer) June 23, 2019

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Thanks, Washington Post (finally)

Inspired by a re-reading of this article I saw at CounterPunch back in March. After all this time kind of looking the other way while he raked in the bank on cushy side gigs and other shenanigans, the Washington Post finally could stand no more and actually investigated Ward 2 councilmember Jack Evans.

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A Snake in the "Grass"

"Liberty Cap" writes on Twitter on 06.09.19:

Home grow cannabis is the most important economic factor put upon any Government regulating cannabis and the industry to keep em honest and on their toes. Competition promotes excellence and reduces prices, that the American way. Limited access to market is capitalism gone wrong.

— Liberty Cap (@LibertyCap420) June 9, 2019

White House Immolation

In a tragic revival of an old protest tradition, a man set himself on fire near the White House this week.

And yes, this somehow put me in mind of the Democratic Party's insistence on trying to foist Joe Biden onto progressive voters – which, of course, would be their biggest debacle since the 2016 debacle, and a true "hold my beer" moment for the Democrats.

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DC Council: Give US a "Fair Shot"!

Needless to say, we at DCMJ have some issues with the initial draft of DC Mayor Bowser's reforms to DC cannabis legislation – among them a prohibition on the free distribution of cannabis for advocacy purposes, restrictions on the cannabis "gifting economy" that's sprung up in DC in lieu of regulated legal sales, and the continued denial of access to the legal cannabis market for small-scale growers in DC.

Defending the Embassy, Defending Liberty

A new low was reached this week when, at the direction of the US Secret Service, Potomac Electric Power Company cut off the electricity to the Venezuelan Embassy in Washington DC, in an effort to force out members of Code Pink and other organizations there – at the invitation of the staff – defending the Embassy against a siege by thuggish supporters of the attempted putsch by US-backed fascist failson Juan "Guido" Guaidò.

This is in addition to ongoing attempts to prevent the delivery of food to the Embassy, ironically mirroring the economic warfare being waged against the people of Venezuela by the US Empire.

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#VenezuelaLibre

"Hello, Mom...? It's Juan. Can you come pick me up from coup practice?"
–Juan Guaido, "Interim President" of Venezuela, 04.30.19

I can't pretend I didn't enjoy watching the massive faceplant that was "Operation Liberty", the latest attempt to topple Chavismo and install Washington darling and fascist enabler Juan "Guido" Guaido in Venezuela.

It was pure comedy gold, watching Guido's handlers in Washington stepping on their own cranks trying to spin the events in Caracas this past week, and Guido's flunkies seeking refuge in the Brazilian and Chilean embassies in order to continue their "provisional" shenanagans. It was like watching a coup attempt staged by Mel Brooks.

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Only In New York

Welp, folks, it's official: Lis Smith is the Sidney Falco of our era. Who else would have the skills, connections, and moral turpitude to pull together this ham-handed stunt involving Pete Buttigieg riding the subway to a joint in Harlem to split a bottle of hot sauce with Al Sharpton?


It's been reported they discussed racial disparity n'shit, but let's get serious; this was just a freakin' foto op. They could've been re-enacting the fake orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally for all we know. I mean, c'mon, look at all the freakin' cameras in that place, crowding the window.

The questions I'd like to ask here are: what brand is that hot sauce, and why haven't they brought out the mayo yet? You know... that big 'ol jar of weak, tasteless, store-brand diet mayo...? Oh, waitaminnit...

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Space Force no.2: Mars Awaits

This was initially inspired by this article on Sputnik International, about the six military bases up for consideration for Space Force headquarters. After some curious digging, I've noticed they've gone from "Mars Awaits" to the slightly more modest "back to the Moon in 5 years". Of course, the goal that's grabbing the attention of millions of us is VP Man From GLAD's consideration of nuclear weapons deployment in space.

Goes without saying Elon Musk is on board with the idea; I'm guessing his long game will involve a need for a few hundred Space Grunts to guard his gated Martian colonies for the rich.

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Peak Liberal no. 2

Presented without comment, after seeing this vile little chunk of news.

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30 Seconds Over Moscow

The kid can't help it; he's got that ol' Russiagate Hangover. Granted, this piece is a bit late, but I've been out of town and besides, this kinda shit is evergreen.

So, how many of you are old enough to remember February? Remember Sen. Amy Klobuchar, one of my own personal favorite Russiagaters – or, as I like to call her, Frau Blucher – and her legendary abusive behavior in the office and her spectacularly crass defense of the same? Yeah, she really is a favorite.

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Philippines in red

In solidarity with my friends and comrades at DCMJ and StopTheDrugWar.org and their protest at the Philippine Embassy this past week against the ongoing program of terror against drug users – and other "undesirables" – by the Duterte regime.

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2020 Sweet Spot

Never mind for a moment the idea that you'd ever see a pompous-ass big-city morning tome like the Post use the phrase "sweet spot" on top of the fold on A1. This is some of the best news I've seen smack on the front page in years. "Candidates Fear Socialist Label..." Why am I so overjoyed at that?

Garbage in...

So, it's looking like the Donkeycrats have assembled their All-Star Team for 2020, except that they picked their All-Stars from the cellar dwellers.

Let's have a look at the lineup, shall we...? We've got a guy who was Bill Clinton's liar-in-chief, a sk8ter boy who couldn't beat Ted Cruz, a woman who's proud to have made a career out of prosecuting and imprisoning the poor and vulnerable, a woman who hangs with fascists from India, a woman who endorsed Hillary in '16 and brags about being a capitalist, a guy who pimped Bill Clinton's infamous crime bill in the '90s, a woman who co-sponsored the anti-BDS bill, a guy whose nose is so far up Big Pharma's ass it's a wonder he can breathe and – last but certainly not least – every old progressive's dream date, a guy who opposes BDS and who sat around silently, not saying jack about the bare-assed oil-grabbing right-wing coup going down in Venezuela for over 24 hours before inexplicably parroting Trump's lies about the Maduro administration.

Basically, garbage.

Fascism is running wild all over, millions are a broken ankle away from destitution, we're being dragged into another war in Latin America, the goddamn Earth is on fire, and the Democrats expect us to shut up and choose from garbage.

Garbage in, garbage out.

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...and how would you like this done?

So... in Venezuela, Juan Guaido, a rightist "opposition" leader who'd never actually run in the recent Presidential election, just out of nowhere declares himself "Interim President" and swears himself in, and the US is apparently ready to support this doorknob in a coup attempt against Nicolas Maduro, a Bolivarist who actually ran for President, won the election, and was actually sworn in as the actual President this past week.

Just so we're clear on that, folks, next time CNN or somebody drops another "bombshell" about the Russians "meddling" in our "elections".

Speaking of which, why the hell didn't Hillary think of this? Why didn't she just swear herself in? Cripes, she wouldn't quit screaming about how she won the goddamn popular vote; why couldn't she rustle up Lawrence Lessig or Laurence Tribe or one of those other Harvard Law knobs to administer the oath and just swear her own insufferable ass in?

Emoluments, 25th Amendment, Russia, bah! Have Ruth Bader Ginsburg swear her in on a copy of In Takes A Village, get Macron, May, and a couple of other EU neoliberal Blue Meanies to recognize her, and badda-bing, El Presidente.

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You Can't Silence...

With all the critical issues facing this country – the escalation of police violence; the continued highway robbery of the People by the likes of Amazon; the lack of hurricane relief for Puerto Rico; the lack of clean water in Flint, Michigan; the children dying in cages at the border – the first act of the US Senate this year was to introduce legislation that criminalized involvement with the BDS (Boycott, Divestment, Sanctions) movement working to end the Israeli occupation and apartheid state in Palestine.

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Those BASTARDS!

In the midst of all the manufactured Betomania, the Left has done nothing more than point out something that's a matter of pubic record – Beto O'Rourke's staggeringly less-than-progressive voting record – and the Democratic Party leadership is instantly filling every pair of BVD's in the dresser, screeching about being "attacked" by people who simply aren't buying into the empty hype over a guy who couldn't beat Ted Cruz.

The DNC elites bust their asses inside out to make this rich-ass old skater boy happen, and all the Left can do is to point out that his voting record sucks on toast. Dirtbags. What gall. How very dare they.

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They're Under Your Bed

As the 2020 Presidential campaign cycle rumbles to life, let's consider this sage advice from Robby Mook – famous to many as the guy who ran a $1.5 billion Presidential campaign into the ground:

Beware: Russian operatives will try to divide Democrats again in the 2020 primary, making activists unwitting accomplices.


2020 resolution: think before you like or share. It might be foreign propaganda, not "news".

Robby Mook, on Twitter, 12.19.18

...and there you have it – a big, hot sloppy load of Cold War drama queen queefage. Cripes, did he compose this himself, or was it an intern? It's as if he was trying to channel Stan Lee or something. The only thing missing is "evildoers", but Junior Bush pretty much used that one up.

So, the next time some devious stranger tries to attack Beto O'Rourke by bringing up his piss-awful voting record, remember: they might be Russian. And if you pause to consider Beto's entirely non-progressive voting record instead of blindly buying into the hype, then you might be a Russian, too. Mwwoooooaaahhh ha ha ha ha ha haaaahhhhh. Now, ve are takink care of Moose and Squirrel.

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