Remember Our MIAs!

And so, another year has gone, and it's fitting, I think, for us to remember The Missing, the MIAs. At every challenge to the Constitution and Liberty, The Missing were...MIA. When the time came to stand and fight for what was right, the MIAs were Missing, but not forgotten. Even today, with Freedom on attack from all sides, you can count on The Missing to be...MIAs. So, now, let us pause and Remember The Missing.



Indeed, remember the MIAs, so that they may never be forgotten, especially for those of you planning on participating in the next "election" -- if they think they "don't have the votes" now, just wait until next November. That's right, November, ten months away -- ten...long...MONTHS.

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Hillary Answers the Tough Ones!

Yet another awake-too-early morning finds my wife once again flipping between early-morning news programs at 6:30am, and landing on CNN's "American Morning" shitfest which, this particular morning, was running highlights of the previous evening's Donkeycratic Party "debate". Needless to say, of course, I emerged from my REM daze just in time to hear that chirpy, gushy college girl asking Hillary Clinton if she preferred "diamonds or pearls?" to which Her Hillaryship answered -- in classic Clintonian fashion, "I like both"...



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Human Energy

So, as usual, I'm waking up one morning last week to find that my wife already has the morning news on. It's CNN's "American Morning", just wrapping up a piece on the rebellion in Burma, and following it with one of those obnoxious, cloying Chevron Oil "human energy" ads and, though way too early, my foggy brain starts going "Burma... Chevron... Burma... Chevron... " ...and, as usual, a train wreck of dissonant ideas in my early-morning REM state causes inspiration...



More on Chevron's involvement in Burma from the "Oil Change" Web site.

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A Fox Five Exclusive!

So, while I'm just finishing choking down the news about the DC Gummint -- at the urging of Fox Channel 5 News -- trying to sock the ANSWER Coalition with a fine for exercising basic Constitutional rights, I get a mailing from Rob Naiman's "Just Foreign Policy" list mentioning that their Iraqi Deaths Estimator has just rolled over a million. That's right, a million Iraqi dead since the "Shock'n'Awe" of March 2003 -- or 1,012,979, to be exact, as I write this.

That's right, one Friggin' MILLION. Jesus Herbert Walker Christ. And that's not counting the million and a half or more Iraqis this nation murdered with sanctions throughout the 1990s (nobody died when Clinton lied? My ass.).

I'd been noticing lately that Fox News hasn't spent a whole lot of time reporting on Iraq because, y'know, there just isn't any goddamn' good news coming out of that goddamn' place, unless you count some oft-repeated DoD press release mentioning that the Army has rebuilt some goddamn' stretch of highway from the airport (that they bombed the piss out of just a while back).

Yeah, when your Empire's crumbling, the outrage and dissatisfaction are so palpable you can cut 'em with a goddamn' knife, the one thing you need your press to be doing is exposing the nefarious doings of bands of left-wing wheatpasters defacing the Seat Of Our Empire with free expression.

Left-wing posters? In OUR Capital?

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Payback's A Bitch

So, anyway, I see last week where Congress approves another million billion zillion dollars for President Chimp's War in Iraq. No surprises there. Then, this bridge collapses in Minnesota, to much wailing and voyeurism from the press, and the predictable calls for us to send our prayers to Minneapolis -- even though no prayer requests were forthcoming for the victims of similar bridge collapses caused by US bombing of Iraqi civilians.

Shortly afterwards though, Congress somehow manages to find another few hundred mil or so under their sofa cushions -- a huge-ass surprise, to see that anything was left after the million billion zillion they just poured into the friggin' war.

Then, this past weekend, as reported so gloriously on AP, President Chimp himself pays a visit to the collapse site and casts his own personal eyeballs on the scene, allows himself to be personally spoken to by a common, ordinary worker, makes a big fat promise about repair and restoration -- but, get this, he says "I make no promises on the timetable"; he never was much on timetables, was he -- has his picture taken in a hardhat surveying the devestation, gets back onto the helicopter, and flies home.

So, all this stuff starts crashing together in my head -- fat wads of cash pissed away on an illegal war, public works budgets going begging, bridges collapsing in the USA -- at which point the conceptual collisions build to critical mass and, just as the pile detonates, my first thought out loud is, "whoa, payback's a bitch!"

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Deportation: the Day After

So, it seems a bunch of yahoos in various state and county legislatures are bound and determined to rid the place of "illegal" immigrants -- "illegal", that is, in the sense of legality randomly pulled out of some racist politician's ass about a century or so ago. Of course, "illegal immigration" probably ranks right up there with "intellectual property" on the all-time list of concepts totally pulled out of the asses of politicians.



So, Fine. Just fine. Go ahead, make life so miserable for them that they leave. Hell, why not just deport 'em while you're at it, if it'll make you feel better...?

Great. They're gone. Congratulations. So, who's going to build your houses and fix your streets? Who's going to clean your office building at night? Who's going to do your landscaping work? Who's going to be your nanny -- especially at the wages they're paid for these jobs, and considering the crap they have to put up with from employers. Most of your average Americans sure wouldn't take those jobs because of that; either that, or -- more likely -- they're all on their sofas waiting for their phones to ring with an offer to be Donald Trump's Apprentice, or perhaps keeping their options flexible in case that lucrative position as an American Idol Winner comes open.

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Your Jackass Slate for 2008!

Well, here we are not even six months after The Most Important Election Since The Last Mass Extinction Event and, like Christmas commercials during the World Series, the Democratic "stars" have already announced their intentions to make political hay out of the disasters they allowed to happen for the past five years -- that is to say, announced their candidacies for the 2008 Presidential Fracas which, as any Democrat will tell you, will be The Most Important Election Since The Earth Cooled To A Temperature Conducive To Life.

So, what's more to say, gang, except let's get on with the slagging -- uhh...that is, let's look at some quick, elegant analyses of the "major" candidates (so far) on your Jackass Slate For 2008!

EDWARDS:
Ballsiest of the bunch, for sure, announcing the week after Christmas, and while doing what was obviously a staged photo op around New Orleans, pretending to help clean up a wrecked, wasted neighborhood and help some people get their lives back together, all while announcing for Big White Massuh's House. Am I the only one here who, on seeing this guy for the first time, could only think that here was the new Beautiful Hair Breck Boy, and that if he were a C&W singer, he'd be getting more ass on the road in a month than most regular guys get in a lifetime, and just where the hell did he come from, anyway?
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE'S GOT BETTER HAIR.

HILLARY:
I don't know which is worse -- Hillary Clinton becoming America's Eva Peron, or Hillary thinking that she's Eva Peron. Anyone who's seen the YouTube clip of Hillary meeting with Code Weak...uh, Code Pink back in '03, or heard her speechifying in the past month, will tell you that her skills at telling people shit they want to hear are still par excellence. Just five minutes of Hillary and you'll know how the pancake feels when they lay on the Aunt Jemima. Will this be our '90s Nostalgia -- CNN once again being the Clinton News Network, NBC once again being Nothing But Clinton?
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: SHE'LL PANDER TO ANYONE.

KUCINICH:
(Full Disclosure: Your Cartoonist has been a hardcore Deadhead since 1978.)
Y'know, when Dennis Kucinich launched his "insurgent" candidacy in '04, I first thought "well, hot damn! He sure as hell won't win, but at least he'll put the fear of god in those DLC hoods!" This was, of course, before hearing about -- and witnessing -- his miserable, craven performance at the Democratic Convention, his supporters having their "Kucinich'04" signs ripped from their hands and replaced with Kerry signs by DNC goons without any apparent sign of protest. No bolting the Convention, no boycott of the vote, no nothing, just Dennis Kucinich leading his merry band of phony "progressives" over the cliff with John Kerry (and Code Weak bringing up the rear). And now, as if this lack of effort was actually appreciated, here's Dennis The Menace, back again, to suck all the life out of the American peace cargo cult -- uh, American peace movement.
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE'LL WASTE THE LEFT'S TIME.

OBAMA:
(Full Disclosure: Your Cartoonist was drooled on by the Washington Post in 2002.)
Who else here saw Barack Obama's beaming mug in the paper or on TV right about the time of the '04 Democratic Convention and thought, "Who the hell is this guy, and why are they drooling over him like he was a goddamn' rock'n'roll star?" I mean, seriously, the guy was basically a nobody, then suddenly he was all over the goddamn' place -- kinda like a political version of an American Idol winner. No years of living on club gigs and peanut-butter sandwiches, no paying dues on the road as a backup act, just wham! You're a star! Did anyone else here also find themselves reading the drooling and thinking, darkly, that the Donks were already grooming Obama for '08, and that he was here not to actually do anything for African America, but to give Geezin' Old White Liberal America something to feel good about -- so they can go back to not really giving a shit about what's happening to black and brown people in this country and when anybody calls them on it, they can say "hey, gimme a break! I voted for Barack Obama!" The only Black constituency I can think of who'd possibly go for Obama would be what I like to call the "Ebony Magazine Demographic".
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE'LL KEEP SERVING "CAPITAL".

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