Well, here we are not even six months after The Most Important Election Since The Last Mass Extinction Event and, like Christmas commercials during the World Series, the Democratic "stars" have already announced their intentions to make political hay out of the disasters they allowed to happen for the past five years -- that is to say, announced their candidacies for the 2008 Presidential Fracas which, as any Democrat will tell you, will be The Most Important Election Since The Earth Cooled To A Temperature Conducive To Life.So, what's more to say, gang, except let's get on with the slagging -- uhh...that is, let's look at some quick, elegant analyses of the "major" candidates (so far) on your Jackass Slate For 2008!
EDWARDS:
Ballsiest of the bunch, for sure, announcing the week after Christmas, and while doing what was obviously a staged photo op around New Orleans, pretending to help clean up a wrecked, wasted neighborhood and help some people get their lives back together, all while announcing for Big White Massuh's House. Am I the only one here who, on seeing this guy for the first time, could only think that here was the new Beautiful Hair Breck Boy, and that if he were a C&W singer, he'd be getting more ass on the road in a month than most regular guys get in a lifetime, and just where the hell did he come from, anyway?
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE'S GOT BETTER HAIR.
HILLARY:
I don't know which is worse -- Hillary Clinton becoming America's Eva Peron, or Hillary thinking that she's Eva Peron. Anyone who's seen the YouTube clip of Hillary meeting with Code Weak...uh, Code Pink back in '03, or heard her speechifying in the past month, will tell you that her skills at telling people shit they want to hear are still par excellence. Just five minutes of Hillary and you'll know how the pancake feels when they lay on the Aunt Jemima. Will this be our '90s Nostalgia -- CNN once again being the Clinton News Network, NBC once again being Nothing But Clinton?
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: SHE'LL PANDER TO ANYONE.
KUCINICH:
(Full Disclosure: Your Cartoonist has been a hardcore Deadhead since 1978.)
Y'know, when Dennis Kucinich launched his "insurgent" candidacy in '04, I first thought "well, hot damn! He sure as hell won't win, but at least he'll put the fear of god in those DLC hoods!" This was, of course, before hearing about -- and witnessing -- his miserable, craven performance at the Democratic Convention, his supporters having their "Kucinich'04" signs ripped from their hands and replaced with Kerry signs by DNC goons without any apparent sign of protest. No bolting the Convention, no boycott of the vote, no nothing, just Dennis Kucinich leading his merry band of phony "progressives" over the cliff with John Kerry (and Code Weak bringing up the rear). And now, as if this lack of effort was actually appreciated, here's Dennis The Menace, back again, to suck all the life out of the American peace cargo cult -- uh, American peace movement.
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE'LL WASTE THE LEFT'S TIME.
OBAMA:
(Full Disclosure: Your Cartoonist was drooled on by the Washington Post in 2002.)
Who else here saw Barack Obama's beaming mug in the paper or on TV right about the time of the '04 Democratic Convention and thought, "Who the hell is this guy, and why are they drooling over him like he was a goddamn' rock'n'roll star?" I mean, seriously, the guy was basically a nobody, then suddenly he was all over the goddamn' place -- kinda like a political version of an American Idol winner. No years of living on club gigs and peanut-butter sandwiches, no paying dues on the road as a backup act, just wham! You're a star! Did anyone else here also find themselves reading the drooling and thinking, darkly, that the Donks were already grooming Obama for '08, and that he was here not to actually do anything for African America, but to give Geezin' Old White Liberal America something to feel good about -- so they can go back to not really giving a shit about what's happening to black and brown people in this country and when anybody calls them on it, they can say "hey, gimme a break! I voted for Barack Obama!" The only Black constituency I can think of who'd possibly go for Obama would be what I like to call the "Ebony Magazine Demographic".
THE FINAL ANALYSIS: HE'LL KEEP SERVING "CAPITAL".
Edwards, medium-res jpg image, 323k
Hillary, medium-res jpg image, 645k
Kucinich, medium-res jpg image, 516k
Obama, medium-res jpg image, 452k
